


Wake Me From My Nightmare So I Can Dream

by little_dead_girl



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Gore, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Graphic Description, Hurt Tsukishima Kei, Hurt/Comfort, I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m hurting so I’ll hurt Kei because I’m terrible, M/M, Multi, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Protective Kuroo Tetsurou, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Sleep, Sleep Paralysis, So this is my vent fic, Sorry Not Sorry, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24023824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_dead_girl/pseuds/little_dead_girl
Summary: “You need to wake up, Kei. I’m right here, you’re ok. Kei, baby, wake up…”“What’s going on?”A small silhouette rose on the other side of the bed, it’s voice cracking with the gravel of sleep. Keiji’s tired eyes drifted across the two bodies between him and Kuroo, blinking in a quiet confusion.“I can’t wake him up. He’s- Kei, breathe! It’s a dream, baby, you’re dreaming. You’re safe, it’s just a dream, you can wake up.”ORTsukishima Kei gets night terrors/sleep paralysis and his loving boyfriends get him through it.Part 1, Kuroo/Akaashi/Bokuto POVPart 2, Tsukishima POV
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Akaashi Keiji/Kuroo Tetsurou, Akaashi Keiji/Tsukishima Kei, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou/Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 11
Kudos: 561





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I got almost no sleep last night but neither did my housemate when he heard me crying so he came and woke me up and kept me company all night so this is totally dedicated to him for being my best friend.
> 
> Also, I know people experience sleep paralysis differently. Sometimes you know your dreaming, sometimes you don’t. This is based on what I experience when I go through it. 
> 
> Let me know if you’re interested in a follow up chapter from Kei’s perspective of the nightmare he’s having and how he’s feeling. If you guys enjoy this then I’d be happy to update it with that. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope this can help you get through the tougher nights. 
> 
> -Kay xxx

The first sensation to pull him out of a blissful sleep was that of hot puffs of air across his face, otherwise the staccato breaths that ghosted his ears may have simply slipped into his dreams as the metronomic tick of a clock. Next was that of a biting shackle Kuroo felt throttling his wrist. He followed that feeling out into wakefulness, grimacing at the sting no longer dampened by the anesthetic of sleep. 

“A-ah, Tsukki that hurts…”

He hissed lightly, letting his eyes crack open to adjust to the dim glow cast by the watchful moon out the window. Kuroo’s brows knit when he met the gaze of the boy curled up in front of him.

No, _met_ wasn’t the right word. _Encountered_ , maybe. Heavy lidded amber eyes gazed through him, darting around as if following movements behind the form before him. Slightly parted lips quivered as tiny bullets of air passed through them.

“Kei?”

A tear slipped out of hazy eyes, slipping across a slightly scrunched nose without rousing its creators attention. 

_“Kei,_ love… Do you hear me?”

The nails on his wrist dug deeper, pulling a pained noise out of Kuroo’s throat. A soft grumble rose from behind Tsukishima’s shoulder, “..loud, Tetsu… _sleep_ …”

He ignored the voice in favour of calling out to the tense form before him again.

_“You need to wake up, Kei. I’m right here, you’re ok. Kei, baby, wake up…”_

“What’s going on?” 

A small silhouette rose on the other side of the bed, it’s voice cracking with the gravel of sleep. Keiji’s tired eyes drifted across the two bodies between him and Kuroo, blinking in a quiet confusion.

“I can’t wake him up. He’s- Kei, _breathe_ ! It’s a dream, baby, _you’re dreaming. You’re safe, it’s just a dream, you can wake up.”_

The blondes features had contorted into what looked like a pained scream, yet no sound escaped his lips save for an almost inaudible choke from the back of his throat. His eyes pinched shut and more tears squeezed past dandelion fluff eyelashes. 

“Bo, wake up. Something’s wrong,” Keiji patted his cheek, snapping the drooling owl into consciousness. Kei’s silent cry ended, and the quick shallow breaths he’d been taking previously picked back up again. He looked genuinely exhausted from the effort.

“ _WHAT?!_ What’s wrong, _where?”_

Koutarou’s arm had been draped over the restless boy's slender waist, but as he bolted upright in bed the movement jostled him. The lean boy's muscles flinched, startling his hand open enough that Kuroo could regain ownership of his wrist. 

“ _Careful_ , Bo,” Akaashi scolded, attention quickly turning back to the shivering form still being tormented by phantoms none of them could hope perceive, “Kei, sweetheart, you’re safe. Darling, _please_ wake up.”

“Kei?”

Bokuto was now very aware of the quaking body he’d been curled up next to, bright eyes scanning over how sweat had made the t-shirt he wore cling to his skin and plaster blonde curls to his face. Another silent scream tore through him.

“Tsukki, buddy, we’ve got you. Don’t be scared, you’re ok,” Koutarou looked up anxiously at Kuroo, “He’s ok, right? Can he hear us?” Behind him, Akaashi flicked on the bedside lamp, painting the room in a warm glow. 

Kuroo never tore his eyes away from the blonde, gently pushing back damp blonde curls and wiping away rogue tears that streaked down pale skin. “He’s alright, or… he will be. But we gotta wake him up. _Breathe, Kei, baby, breathe for me._ Kou, help me get him on his back.”

The boys shuffled around so they could roll the boy over by his shoulders, moving to uncurl his arms from where they were tensed against his chest.

The movement caused a full body flinch that startled him back into existence. Tight lungs heaved in air like he’d just surfaced from far too long underwater, immediately forced back out again by a sharp scream that finally had some volume to it. Bloodshot golden eyes flashed open and he clambered backwards until he was pressed up against the headboard. “Ge’ off, off, GET OFF!” He was panicking, trying to scrape invisible touches off his throat, his chest, his thighs. Angry red scratches started painting his skin, finally snapping the other boys out of their shock. 

“No, Kei, stop! You’re hurting yourself, there’s nothing there,” Kuroo snatched a long slender arm away from attacking its own body, holding it down firmly.

Bokuto wrestled away Tsukishima’s other arm, pinning it against his own chest and holding on for dear life. When Kei’s legs kicked in a blind attempt at escape, Keiji held on to his ankles, slowing down the desperate movements.

“Kei look at me, _look_ ,” Kuroo’s free hand turned the terror-stricken boy's face to look at him, “ _Look at me. You’re safe, it was a dream! Do you hear me? Just a dream. You’re safe, I promise, it’s ok.”_

Tsukishima looked like a deer in the headlights, bleary eyes wide in shock. His quick, sharp breaths started to slow as recognition seeped into his face. The air still left his lips in tight puffs, but as he blinked at Kuroo his hyperventilating slowed considerably. 

“Good, better, much better. Keep breathing for me,” Kuroo soothed, still not releasing his boyfriend's face but gingerly easing the grip he’d taken on his arm. He glanced to the others, giving a small nod assuring them they could also release their holds on Kei’s trembling limbs. 

“I- oh my god, I…” The tears started dripping down his cheeks again. 

“Sshh, it’s ok. You’re ok.”

“I’m s-sorry, I’m sorry… I thought… there was- I couldn’t…”

“Keep breathing, Kei. That’s good, that’s so good, another deep breath like that for me. Perfect. Just keep breathing.”

Tsukishima’s wound muscles started to relax, letting his upper body stop pressing itself against the headboard in favour of slowly starting to slump forward. Kuroo eased him down so he was leaned against a broad chest and cradled him there gently. 

“I’m so sorry.”

Koutarou reached out and took one of the exhausted boy's hands into his own, giving it a gentle squeeze and keeping it in his grasp. 

“Kei, sweetheart, it’s alright. You don’t need to apologise,” Keiji swept a stray hair out of his face. Tsukishima’s eyes rested on some point on the duvet, staring there absently as the numb of mental and physical exhaustion took hold. He hummed at Akaashi’s words, not looking entirely convinced but clearly not having it in him to argue. Instead, Akaashi looked up at Kuroo who looked relieved if not almost as exhausted as the boy nestled in his arms did. 

“You handled that very well, has this…” 

“Yeah, for a while it happened almost weekly,” Kuroo hugged Kei tighter to his chest. The four of them had been dating for almost a year now, but Tetsurou and Kei had been together for much longer, just as Koutarou and Keiji had been. Kei hadn’t had an episode like this since before the couple’s had combined. “But over the past couple years it’s really petered out. I don’t think either of us thought to bring it up because it’d just been so long. But clearly sometimes there’s a slip…” He planted a kiss on top of Kei’s head before continuing. 

“He said they started sometime in third year, so I wasn’t there for the beginning of them. But, you know, we reconnected when Tsukki started up in college and despite how hard he tried to not stay the night at my place or would kick me out of his to sleep, that couldn’t go on forever. He fell asleep watching a movie with me one afternoon and that was the first time I saw what he was going through. I didn’t even know it was happening before that, which, believe me, really pissed me off at first. But eventually he let me help him, or at least try to learn how. And things started getting better. Gaps between got longer and longer until it started hardly happening at all. But…” he paused, brushing his fingers across Kei’s cheek, “...sometimes the longer the gap, the worse the next one is. Catches him by surprise and it just…”

“His eyes were open, but he was…” Bokuto started.

“Yeah, he was asleep. Sleep paralysis is weird sometimes. His body will try waking up in the middle of a nightmare and he might be able to see and hear some of what’s going on around him, but the nightmare is still playing out on top of it, either merging with or totally blocking out reality. So he might’ve been seeing that we were there, but watching something other than reality take place. Or maybe he recognised our voices, but the nightmare planted different words in our mouths. It’s hard to tell.”

After a beat, he added, “And especially with this guys crappy eyesight, who knows what he was actually seeing.” They shared a light laugh, though Tsukishima gave no reaction. He just continued to stare blankly ahead of him, eyelids heavier than they were before. 

They all sat quietly for a while, which was quite a feat for Bokuto, letting the last of their adrenaline settle, until the yellow eyed boy reached forward and poked Kuroo’s arm. 

“Bro, check it out you’re bleeding.”

That got Kei’s attention. He looked to where Koutarou's finger had prodded the other man's arm, and sure enough there on his wrist were four crescent moons prickling with small beads of blood. The skin around them was already beginning to bruise, and Kuroo twisted his wrist around a couple of times to examine it like he was admiring his nails. 

“Did I… oh my god, I’m so sorry… I didn’t know… are you… does it…” Kei’s voice quietly shook as he scrambled for words, pulling back from his boyfriend’s embrace. 

“Hey, no, it’s not that bad. Really, Kei, I’m ok.”

“It’s not even bleeding that much,” Keiji elbowed Bo in the ribs, tossing his signature _you-just-had-to-run-your-big-mouth-didn’t-you_ glare at a now very sheepish looking Koutarou. 

“Yeah it’s nothing, Tsukki,” he chirped quickly, “I’ve hurt you two way worse when you guys used to try to block my killer spikes!”

Tsukishima was still trying to pull back from Kuroo’s arms, gripping his own hands tightly to his chest. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sor-“

“Hey, stop it, look at me.”

Kei froze just in time for Keiji to pull his clenched hands forward, pulling him into a gentle but firm kiss. When he pulled back to look at him, Akaashi said, “Do you see our faces? No one is mad at you. Look.”

Kei’s eyes flicked around between the three faces in front of him.

“We all love you, got it? Look at Tetsuro, does he look mad at you?”

“No, but-“

“Does he look like he’s in pain?”

“No, but I-“

“But nothing, you didn’t do anything wrong. Honestly he probably deserved it for something.”

“Hey!”

“Ha! You probably did, dude!”

“I mean, yeah, probably! But come on, why you two gotta gang up on me like-“

They all stopped, watching as Kei lent down to press a soft kiss against Kuroo’s wrist. He whispered against the broken skin, “I love you all so much.”

Tetsuro lifted the bowed head with a finger under his chin, “We all love you too.” And with that he closed the distance for a kiss that said those same words just as loud and clear as the statement itself. 

“Hey! Me next! You guys both got to kiss Tsukki now, it’s _my_ turn! I love him _too_ you know!”

Kei breathed out a soft laugh, letting Bo pull him in for a kiss, both of them smiling into the touch.

When they all settled back in bed for the night, Kuroo’s arm cleaned and tended to by Akaashi’s steady hands, Kei drifted off into dreams of the boy’s he loved and knew they were dreams he’d be happy to wake up to being reality. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here’s Kei’s nightmare and what was going on in his head once he’d woken up. 
> 
> I’m sure I probably updated trigger warnings in the tags, but if you have any ANY inkling of a thought that this might be upsetting or triggering for you, please don’t read this. It’s dark and it’s sad and it’s got some really disturbing themes and descriptions of gore. Just... if you’re worried, don’t risk it. 
> 
> Stay safe, stay healthy, stay strong. Lots of love to all of you.
> 
> \- Kay xxx

These caves and tunnels stretch on, seemingly endless for miles. He’s never traversed them before, never seen an entrance or an exit or a map to guide his way, but he knows they never end. Never let him leave. He’ll be here for a moment, an eternity, for no time at all. 

There’s a chill dancing across his flesh, one uncharacteristic for the stale stillness of this space. The tunnels are holding their breath. Waiting, watching. That iciness sets the hairs on his body on end, pin prick straight. Waiting, listening. 

This attention isn’t on him though, no he isn’t important enough for this space. _This domain belongs to something else. He’s simply a visitor. A hostage._

This is the chill of being watched, the shiver one experiences when there’s someone standing right behind you, their breath on your neck, their hands ghosting your skin, their entire being enveloping you but still leaving you bare and exposed. _He’s bare and exposed._

He whips around in the darkness, sure that he’ll catch sight of his observer. _His captor._ There’s no one there. He’s alone. But the presence over his shoulder remains. He spins in frantic circles but encounters nothing, even his shadow carelessly abandons him, subjects him to this crowded, suffocating, hovering isolation. 

**_You’re alone. Are you surprised?_ **

The voice of isolation, of emptiness, of silence… it’s indescribable. It encompasses _everything_ that shouldn’t be heard in a void of _nothing_. A high pitched gravel of a sound, like inconceivably heavy metal dragging through tarmac. The deepest haunting echo of base smoother and lower than any call the darkest depth of the sea can fathom offering. A caress of the gentlest whisper ghosting tones of comforting care and pitying disgust. The sickliest siren call that cares only to exploit every vile fantasy and finds humour and pride at how bodies shamefully bend to its will. The voice is deafening, the voice is mute. There is no sound in his ears but the voice is all he can hear and he’ll tear himself apart to unhear it.

The floor crumbles beneath his feet, plummeting him into the inky blackness of a pit. The air doesn’t move in this space either. Why would it? You’re so inconsequential in hell that the atmosphere is above the concept of parting for you. Nothing can be bothered enough for you to be a nuisance as you plumet to your death. 

A flinch, a brace for impact, eyes shutter tight because it’ll be better not to have any warning before his bones and flesh splatter at the base of this chasm. It never comes. 

**_You aren’t even good enough to die._ **

Kei can finally pry his eyes apart and _god it hurts, they’re so heavy, they’re filled with grit and acid_ but he knows this place and this face before him and what it feels like to be alive. He can relax, because this room is not filled with isolation. He’s relieved, he can let his guard down because that sleeping face makes him feel safe. 

**_Oh you thought you could have him?_ **

No. _No!_ That voice doesn’t belong here! This is not its domain, _but it’s followed him out and it’s all Kei’s fault. He let it in and now no one is safe._

**_You can’t keep him safe. Maybe I’ll let you watch though._ **

Blackness creeps around the sleeping form. It’s hands wrap around his shoulders. They wring his neck. They snake across his scalp, tangling themselves in those dark tufts. 

Kei’s fingers barely reach the man before him, but he’s desperate to hang on tight. He can barely move, the voice and it’s nothingness send a torrent of gravity down on him. It rattles him to his core. He’s drowning in it, barely catching air as his lungs are crushed under that relentless weight. His muscles strain to move, and they tremble with the need to wrap his arms around the defenceless form, unaware of its own impending doom.

**_He has such pretty hair. I think I’ll keep it. I’ll let you watch as I scalp him._ **

Kei wants to call out to him, _Tetsurou,_ it plays on his lips like a cruel kiss. No sound escapes, it’s swallowed alive by the silence and forced mercilessly back down his throat. 

Kei wants to beg the man to wake up, to fight back, to run. Doesn’t he feel it’s grip? How he’s being pulled away into the darkness? Doesn’t he feel the presence of that looming void? _Please, Tetsu, don’t slip away._

**_I don’t want the rest of him though. You’ll watch as I bury him alive in the yard._ **

He wants to tear the tendrils of shadow away from the man, they’re digging into his face and he can only imagine the pain. His features twist in a grimace and the hands are dragging him further and further out of reach. Kei watches his eyelashes flutter.

_Oh thank god, yes, open your eyes!_ Dark iris, black as the fingers raking at his body, blink into existence. But he’s not fighting, why isn’t he fighting back? There’s pain painting his features but _why won’t he do anything about it?_

_You have to fight,_ Kei wants to scream, _I can’t save you! I can’t save you…_ I can’t save him, I can’t… 

I can't… 

**_You truly are useless. Don’t you see his fear? Don’t you hear him begging for your help? He knows you’re pathetic. He knows you won’t save him._ **

As Kei’s panic grows, so do the shadows. The isolation is choking out his hope, wringing him dry while it seeps deeper into the other man. It’s poisoning him, Kei can tell, can see it dripping like sludge out of those vacant black eyes. Look too close and he knows he’ll sink into them like the pit he plummeted through that got him here. 

Kei’s ears are ringing with the deafness poured into them by the voice, but somewhere far away he can almost make out a… _something_ , cutting through the nothingness. He wants to sob with relief at the thought that someone else can save Tetsurou from Kei’s failure. 

**_Do you think they’ll help him? Would you like me to let them try? They’d do a better job than you will._ **

He knows, _he knows they will._ But if the voice is already aware of them then hope is already lost. It’s the truest form of cruelty, letting Kei barely grasp at a _maybe,_ before shredding it out of him just as fast with an _absolutely not._

It’s torture and he wails in anguish. Or he tries to, but the shadows have other ideas. They cram themselves down his throat, filling his lungs with hot black tar. They squeeze his throat shut, choking and cooing demeaning whispers that tease him about how much he likes it. 

_But he doesn’t like it, he hates it and he’s scared. He hasn’t breathed in so long and in his head he apologises profusely for trying to scream. He’s begging for forgiveness. If he’d had just kept his useless mouth shut then maybe he wouldn’t be teetering on the edges of suffocation._

Maybe the voice hears him, or just decides it’s not ready for him to lose consciousness yet. _It’s not done playing with him yet_. The shadows retreat and the tar clears from his heaving chest. 

**_That was cute, but no one can hear you. I won’t let them._ **

There’s more distant chatter, but the white noise in his head tunes it out. He tries to focus on it, desperately wanting to hone in on the voices around him, _any voice other than the haunting silence,_ but it’s like flipping through radio stations in a dead zone. The static is so much louder. 

A pressure Kei hadn’t registered anchoring against his waist suddenly pulls away, the movement sharp and startling. It’s the snapping of a tether that’d been keeping him from floating away. But now he’s entirely adrift. Lost. Discarded to sink into the sea. 

The shadow of his lost life line retreats into the distance, soaring away on a breeze Kei wishs he could feel.

**_Oh my, he’s disgusted by you. You’ve made him fly away, or try at least._ **

Koutarou’s voice is lost in that air, whisked away and flighty. 

_Let him escape, let him take the others and disappear from this hellscape. Let this demon not swallow them whole._

And then there’s Keiji, desperation piercing his words. That was a voice that knew how to make Kei feel safe, feel wanted, feel loved. But all he can register now is a broken plea. His chest clenches at the thought of the strongest among them becoming weak with the same terror that’s slowly shattering Kei’s will, forcing him to his knees in surrender. 

**_And here’s another plaything! Maybe you aren’t useless after all, providing me with so many gifts. Listen to how he begs that little bird to fly him away too. Too bad they’re both already mine._ **

_Don’t touch them!_ Kei soundlessly pleads, _They don’t deserve this! Let them leave without me._ But the shadows pay him no mind and take no interest in granting him any favours. 

They have everything he’s ever cared about in their grasp and are crushing them into dust. The fingers of shadows roughly caressing flesh that should only be kissed by the sun. 

**_I’ll release him to take flight again after I finish plucking out his feathers. I think I’ll take his eyes too though, it’ll be more fun watching him fly blind. Would you like to watch that too?_ **

The shadowy claws rip at Kou’s flesh. They tear off his fingernails one by one, just to remove the entire appendages after. With a slick, sickening crack, his arms are disconnected as well. With the owls wings fully clipped, the restless hands continue their climb, eventually finding purchase as they press into sockets containing beautiful golden globes. They’re merciless with greed as they tear out those treasures, leaving behind empty black pits. 

_No! Please, I’m begging you to stop!_

But the silence hungrily devours his desperation yet again, swallowing whole any sound he hoped might pass his lips.

Suddenly fire pours across his vision, the flames licking at his skin. It emanates from the man furthest from him. He’s painted in blood from the bird's broken wings, but that simmers away along with the flesh blistering off his bones.

**_That one can’t take how disappointing you are so much that he’s lit himself ablaze. He’ll keep you warm ‘till the very end, how kind of him._ **

Torrential heat envelopes the space, Kei’s truly burning in eternal damnation and he’s dragged the innocent souls of the ones he tries to hold on to the most down with him. 

_This is my fault. I’ve failed them._

**_Look at them. Look at how you’ve failed them. Look at how you’ve let them die._ **

“Look at us.”

“Don’t you see how you’ve made us suffer?”

“We’ve given you everything and now there’s nothing left.”

The darkness swallows them all whole, chewing them up and spitting out their bodies as ash. 

“This is your fault.”

**_You’re alone without them. Does that frighten you?_ **

It terrifies him. They’ve been destroyed piece by piece, and now there’s nothing left. There’s no one left.

Kei is alone and it’s his own fault.

**_Don’t worry, I won’t leave you alone. I’ll take care of you just the way you need. The way they can’t anymore._ **

The shadows surround him, like starving dogs circling the last bit of meat on a bone. They climb his body, pulling and pressing and taking as they please. 

He can feel their greedy fingers on him everywhere and he can’t escape, he can’t move, he can’t breathe. The darkness digs it’s thumbs into his throat. The shadows pin down his arms and claw at his face. The demon is between his thighs and it’s pulling him down and forcing him open and he feels sick and desperate and _broken._

He’s being crowded in the isolation and it’s all too much. 

**_I’ll never leave you alone._ **

And then reality crashed into him all at once and it was too much, _too much_. 

His eyes shot open and his lungs learched back into gear and the cries that’d been tapped in his chest finally escaped. He had control of his muscles again and the only thing he wanted to do was fight. 

_The shadows, the hands,_ his skin still crawled with their touch. 

“Ge’ off, off, GET OFF!” He could still feel them there and all he wanted was to rip them off his flesh, rip away everything they’d touched, trying to scrape off their unwelcome grips on his throat, his chest, his thighs. 

The blood in his ears was rushing and he barely registered Kuroo’s voice and Kei wanted to help the man but he _couldn’t until he was free. He couldn’t bear to witness the damage that’d been done until he knew he could help fix it and he knew it was urgent and he could hear the panic in Tetsurou’s voice but first he needed to escape!_

But then his right wrist was seized from him _and no not again don’t let this happen again._

Then his left arm was captured, so he kicked and fought _because it couldn’t win again, not like this._ But that effort ground to a halt just as fast and he felt completely tied down. _No, no, no he couldn’t save them if he was tied down, he can’t, he couldn’t—_

“Kei look at me, _look_ ,” a grip held his chin, and he wanted to look, _he wanted to,_ but he was terrified of what he’d see…

“ _Look at me. You’re safe, it was a dream! Do you hear me? Just a dream. You’re safe, I promise, it’s ok.”_

His eyes shot up and locked with the man’s gaze. He didn’t find bottomless black voids there, he didn’t meet blood dripping from his skull. He just saw Tetsurou. Safe. Untouched. Whole. 

_It was just a dream._

He never wanted to let this man out of his sight again, he could hardly bring himself to blink in fear of something taking him away again. But there he was, and it felt like Tetsurou was filling the room with air again. Kei could finally breathe, despite how tight his chest still felt, how his lungs cramped and trembled, how his throat burned hot and tight with the threat of tears. 

“Good, better, much better. Keep breathing for me,” and Kei couldn’t have done any different if he tried. He could feel his limbs release and he barely had the strength to pull them back in on himself. He registered the other two men around him as well, bodies in tact and life still in their eyes. They were safe, _no thanks to Kei_ , but safe all the same. 

His brain finally started piecing the situation together. The darkness outside the window, the lamp switched on casting them all in a warm glow, the tiered, startled faces all around him. That fear in their eyes was _his_ fault. 

“I- oh my god, I…” he tried to start, but his throat closed as hot tears slipped down his cheeks. 

“Sshh, it’s ok. You’re ok.” _But he didn’t care if he was ok, he wasn’t worried about himself. It was everyone else he needed to make sure was ok._

“I’m s-sorry, I’m sorry… I thought…” 

_‘I thought you’d all been torn away from me. I thought I’d destroyed you all and it was my fault. I thought the flesh off Tetsurou’s skull was ripped away, I thought Koutarou had been pulled apart piece by piece, I thought Keiji had been swallowed up in flames. I thought I was alone.’_

“...there was—“

‘ _There was, what? Darkness, shadows, blood from the shattered bodies around me? A voice reminding me that I only deserve to be alone? Where do you expect to start on tackling_ what there was _?’_

“I couldn’t…”

_“I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything to save any of you. You all were destroyed and I couldn’t bear the very thought of continuing living without any of you by my side.”_

“Keep breathing, Kei,” Tetsurou reminded him.

_‘I will, I promise.’_

“That’s good, that’s so good, another deep breath like that for me.”

_‘But do I deserve to?’_

“Perfect. Just keep breathing.”

Kei didn’t have the energy to keep himself up anymore. As the anxiety slowly ebbed from his bones, his muscles gave in and let him lean into the raven haired man’s arms. He felt like such a child. All he could think about was the trouble he’d caused to the men around him, but how instead of putting on a brave face to ease their worries, he sat wrapped up in the care of his boyfriend’s arms. 

_Useless._

“I’m so sorry,” he barely recognised his own voice. It was strained and warbled precariously at the edge of breaking. 

Kei felt a warm hand grip his own. He didn’t want Koutarou to feel how his clammy fingers trembled, but he held on anyway because maybe he needed that reassurance. The blonde couldn’t help but notice the others tired eyes, and he’d give anything to atone for being the cause of them. So if the man wanted to hold his hand, the least he could do was let him. 

_Pathetic._

“Kei, sweetheart, it’s alright. You don’t need to apologise,” he felt Keiji’s delicate fingers brush away the sweat plastered hair from his forehead. Kei couldn’t bring himself to look up at the man’s face, he didn’t even have the strength to offer a reply for fear of tipping over into another bout of tears. All he could muster was a strained noise of acknowledgement. 

_Disappointing._

He hated how defeated he sounded, _how defeated he felt._ His skin still crawled with the ghosts of the nightmares touches, and despite how it burned from when he tried to tear that sensation away with his nails, it still took every ounce of willpower Kei had left not to scratch himself raw. 

He tuned in and out as Tetsu explained how broken he truly was to the others. How Kei was plagued with demons of his own creation that ruined the self assured and stable persona he’d made an art out of crafting. It was humiliating how small he felt, mortifying to know that the people he valued the opinions of the most had a front row seat to Kei at his weakest. He felt the kiss planted at the crown of his head and he couldn’t comprehend how the man could treat someone so disgustingly disturbed with unbridled gentleness as if he were something precious. 

Kei didn’t feel precious. He felt like broken glass. Like he’d shattered into something dangerous and ugly a long time ago, and anyone who got too close would get cut on his exposed edges. He’d tried so hard to keep Tetsurou out of harm's way, at a safe distance where he couldn’t get hurt. But he’d slipped up, and instead of throwing Kei and all his broken pieces away, the man chose to further impale himself on Kei’s damage and work on piecing him back together. Kei loved Tetsurou for that, fell hard for his relentless determination. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t still harbouring guilt for the pain it caused along the way. 

Kei had to remind himself not to flinch when the man delicately caressed his tear stained face, mentally reiterating how it was as if Kuroo had accumulated enough scars to impenetrably toughen up his skin. He was accustomed to how Kei was fractured, and handled him with expert hands that knew how to maneuver around all of those dangerous fragments whenever he fell apart again. He’d mastered arranging the pieces so that each time they stayed together better and for longer. Sometimes Kei actually believed, _this time it’ll all hold together for good._

But just as it had been proven time and time before, tonight was proof that it was all deluded wishful thinking. Because here he was again, as he’d been many times in the past, creating nothing but pain when he exploded as shrapnel. And this time he’d taken two new victims. _What had possessed him to believe that he could accept more love and reciprocate with anything other than pain. Useless, pathetic, disappointing._

“Bro, check it out you’re bleeding.”

_‘What?’_

He followed Koutarou’s line of sight down to Tetsurou’s wrist. The skin there was broken and blossomed with angry red and purple splotches. 

He’d tried to hold onto this man to keep him safe. But in the end, the nightmare never actually hurt Kuroo at all. _Kei hurt him._

“Did I… oh my god, I’m so sorry…” Kei couldn’t even bring himself to care about the tremor in his voice, or how his muscles protested as he started trying to pry himself out of Tetsurou’s hold.

“I didn’t know…”

‘ _I didn’t know that by trying to save you, I was actually the one destroying you.”_

“...are you…”

_‘Are you in pain? Are you disgusted by me? Are you finally done pretending you don’t hate dealing with me? Of course he is, there’s no point in asking.’_

  
  


“...does it…” Kei couldn’t bring himself to finish his own questions, dreading the answers more than anything. He felt trapped again as Tetsurou held on to him, not letting the crushed man out of his embrace. 

“Hey, no, it’s not that bad. Really, Kei, I’m ok,” Tetsu insisted, but _no it’s not ok, it’s not ok at all._

“It’s not even bleeding that much,” Keiji insisted, clearly trying to sound as off handed and unconcerned as possible. But it did nothing to ebb Kei’s mounting panic. _He shouldn’t be bleeding at all!_

“Yeah it’s nothing, Tsukki,” Koutarou piped up, “I’ve hurt you two way worse when you guys used to try to block my killer spikes!” _But that was different, those injuries were sports accidents, not the result of Kei dragging people into his own personal torment._

He had to get out of Kuroo’s arms, had to run from the damage he’d caused, had to get himself far away where he couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. He had to be alone.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sor-“

“Hey, stop it, look at me.”

Keiji’s voice was sharp and decisive. Kei’s body betrayed him, he wanted to escape but instead he froze at the man’s order. His wrists were caught in Keiji’s grip, and as much as he wanted to yank them back, he found he couldn’t. 

So he went to protest, mouth twitching open as pleading words sat on his tongue. But those words never escaped. It took Kei a beat too long to realise that Keiji had silenced him with his lips. Kei’s whole being ground to a halt, his head quieted in an instant and his bones turned to putty in Keiji’s hands.

When he released Kei from the spell of that kiss, his voice was soft but somehow still laced with assured power. 

“Do you see our faces? No one is mad at you. Look.”

So Kei looked, did as he was told because there was nothing else he _could_ do. He looked at Koutarou and saw how his lips settled into a kind smile and how his eyes sparkled with gentleness.. He looked at Tetsurou and his wild bed head and saw how his features held none of the fear Kei’s head insisted he should have. He looked at Keiji, always the calm in any storm, and how his eyes insisted there was nothing to worry about.

“We all love you, got it? Look at Tetsuro, does he look mad at you?”

“No, but—“ 

_‘—but he should be!’_

“Does he look like he’s in pain?”

“No, but I—“

_‘—but I still hurt him, it’s my fault and I—‘_

“But nothing,” Keiji cut in, and this was one of those moments Kei swore the other could read his thoughts. He always seemed to know what everyone was thinking, and this was no different as he demanded, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

_‘They… aren’t mad? But why? They should hate me, be disgusted at my weaknesses. They should resent me…’_

But here these men were, not a single line of fear or disgust or hatred or even irritation etched on any of their faces. Instead they were just there, joking with each other like always. Like nothing had even happened. Like nothing had changed. 

His chest tightened with the threat of more tears, but these crept up for a different reason entirely. He bowed his head, surrendering to the warmth spreading quickly through his bones. Letting it flush out all the anxiety and replace it with relief. 

He was broken, and he didn’t have much to offer, but he imbued his words with everything he had left to give. With a whisper against Tetsurou’s damaged skin, he offered an admission, an apology, a prayer, a desperate plea, “I love you all so much.”

A delicate touch lifted his face from it’s bow, and he met Tetsurou’s gaze and let himself be bathed in the words that followed, “We all love you too.” 

The kiss they shared was intimate, and it dismissed any last qualms he harboured. It filled him with peace. 

“Hey! Me next!,” he heard Koutarou demand, “You guys both got to kiss Tsukki now, it’s _my_ turn! I love him _too_ you know!”

A soft laugh escaped him, and he accepted that blunt honesty. He smiled into the other man’s lips with silent gratitude. 

When they all settled back in bed for the night, Kei no longer feared the thought of drifting back into sleep. He knew he’d dream of the boy’s he loved and knew they were dreams he’d be happy to wake up to being reality. He knew that he’d never be alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed! Stay safe in Quarantine!!!


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